The 'Daddy' of the Metrosexual, the Retrosexual, & spawner of the Spornosexual

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Tag: penis envy

Thor Ragnarok is Cosmically Camp

The latest outing for the totally ripped Aussie God of Thunder and his big swinging hammer was was quite the campest film I can recall seeing. At least that is since Guardians Of The Galaxy (not the second one, which was just shit).

Basically Taika Waititi’s Thor: Ragnarok is a cinematic version of this norty lollipop: ‘With real fruit taste’.

Thor, love him and his guns to bits, is essentially a very dull, earnest, ponderous character -- especially with that ‘Norwegian’ accent Hemsworth gives him which sounds like the Swedish chef from The Muppets trying to do Arnie.

And this despite the big hammer, lightning and the sporno bod  -- displayed in the nowadays obligatory topless, sexily-lit-from-below-scene.

Short of getting naked and oiled up for the whole movie?—?which would make the action scenes a little slippy — he desperately needs camp relief. Tom Hiddleston, playing his ‘Trickster’ brother Loki (with an RSC accent), has provided it in previous iterations, but perhaps because of the camp competition in the form of Guardians of the Galaxy, here he’s got serious backup in the form of Cate Blanchett & Jeff Goldblum (he dubs Thor ‘Sparkles’) -- and the GG style art direction provide that in glittery, dayglo spades.

In fact, it’s difficult to decide who is the campest out of this bunch of campers -- though perhaps Blanchett wins because of those horns and the fact that as she reminds us,  repeatedly: ‘I’M THE GODDESS OF DEATH!’.

“Does my hat slay ya?”

But probably the campest scene in a supercamp movie is when Thor and his brother Loki visit Earth (image at top), apparently disguised as a bickering gay couple on their way to The Eagle to use separate back rooms.

There is also another twisted bromance -- between Thor and Hulk. At one point they are basically living together in a jock penthouse (owned, like their asses, by the hyper-camp Goldblum character). They bond, but are rather competitive, in a bro-ish way.

“Size isn’t everything, dude. Sorry, I lied. It is.”

This competitiveness obviously has a sexual dimension. After solo soaking in the hot tub, Hulk moves to step out and the  God of Thunder who is full-clothed, is apparently terrified at the prospect of seeing Hulk’s penis and protests ‘No! No!’ But to no avail. He then complains ‘that’s in my brain now’. Though it seems it was there all along.

Perhaps Sparkles -- sorry, Thor -- is especially preoccupied because a) Hulk’s tool is probably bigger than his hammer and b) His hammer has already been crushed to painful smithereens in the hand of a cackling Cate Blanchett/Goddess of Death.

Thor’s reaction to seeing Hulk’s monster meat is played for nervous laughs, and gets them, but perhaps depends on a very American disavowal. Of course, everyone wants to see Hulk’s mutant, green, CGI penis.

We don’t, alas. But I guess there’s always the next instalment.

"Thor: Ragnarok" Official Trailer

The ‘Fascinating’ Science of Sporno: Why Men Meat-Gaze

A recent study using the new-fangled science of ‘eyetracking’ to improve the readability of online pages seems to have produced, erm, prominent proof of the eye-catching power of Sporno. For men.

The eye-popping graph on the left appeared on the Annenberg Online Journalism Review’s dignified website with the the sober, explanatory rubric:

‘Although both men and women look at the image of George Brett when directed to find out information about his sport and position, men tend to focus on private anatomy as well as the face. For the women, the face is the only place they viewed.’

‘This image of George Brett was part of a larger page with his biographical information. All users tested looked the image, but there was a distinct difference in focus between men and women.’

No kidding, dude!

The results are in – and it seems guys are rather more interested baseballer’s ‘stats’ than gals are.

‘Fixation length’ is a very masculine trait.

Why else would straight blokes in men-only locker rooms stripping off after the game give their pee-pees a crafty plumping pull or three before hopping in the shower with their teammates? (Sorry lads, I couldn’t help but notice….)

Perhaps it’s down to competitiveness, but guys are generally more interested than gals in what makes a guy a guy. This is why gay and straight men have much more in common than either of them usually care to admit. Knowing that other men are going to check him out – and find him wanting – is probably one of the reasons why most American males today are Speedophobic.

But you don’t have to take my depraved word for it. Just take a peek at web porn for straight men. Is a penis that doesn’t look like something that should be housed in one of Count Von Zeppelin’s draughtier hangars even allowed anywhere near a videoed vagina these days?

And all that spam cluttering up your Inbox promising a larger penis isn’t appealing to male weakness in regard to sexytime with the ladies so much as the male’s weakness for maleness. The unconscious pitch is:

A REALLY BIG PORNO PENIS can be yours to HAVE and to HOLD! With TWO HANDS! Think of all the ADMIRING and BITTERLY ENVIOUS looks your HUGE IMPRESSIVE SCHLONG will get from the guys in the locker room!

Most penis enlargement techniques only make the flaccid penis larger, not the erect variety – in other words, most penis enlargement is for the benefit of your gym buddies and teammates, not your girlfriend. Penis enlargement makes show-ers not growers.

While I know women who are proudly sizeist, it doesn’t appear as if they were part of the eye tracking study, which seemed to indicate nada interest by the fairer sex in men’s packages. Perhaps, despite Sex in the City, women really do like twinkly eyes more than a full basket. Whatever the truth, it’s fairly clear that women are expected to act out straight men’s size queenery on their behalf in porn movies. The insatiable porno slut’s job is to reflect back the straight male voyeur’s inexhaustible love of big dick.

This is why it is impossible to ever imagine this dialogue in a straight porn movie:

PORNOSTUD: Yeah, bitch, you love that big piece dontcha?

PORNOSLUT [takes penis out of mouth]: Well now, funny you should ask because, thing is, I actually find your penis somewhat impractical, very uncomfortable and frankly a bit freakish. Would you mind wearing this plastic donut at the base to reduce the length?

It would be far too much like the real world instead of the nympho world of male sexual fantasy. Of course, in the twilight world of male homosexuality size queenery isn’t restrained or veiled by a pretended sexual division of cockwatching. Hence the old gay joke: ‘There are only two kinds of gay men – size queens and liars.’

It goes without saying that this kind of terrible generalisation is grossly unfair. I’m sure there are some gay men out there who really don’t like large penises. And it’s not their fault they’re so strange and perverted.

The Romans knew a thing or two about the fascination of packets and weren’t afraid of talking about it – or inventing words for it. The word ‘fascination’ itself comes from the Latin ‘fascinus’ which means ‘penis’ or ‘charm’. Phallic charms or amulets were worn around the neck for luck.

I’m sure that if nothing else they improved your batting average.

Thanks to Uroskin for rubbing this story in my face