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Category: journalism (page 1 of 24)

Killer Queen: Andrew Cunanan, My Love Rival

by Steven Zeeland

I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing, but Mark Simpson made me.

Write a preface, that is – for the following journalistic essay “Killer Queen” on “gay spree killer” and “Versace assassin” Andrew Cunanan, my erstwhile love rival who once offered to kill me. It was first published in The Stranger July 23, 1997, concurrent with the breaking news of Andrew’s death by self-inflicted gunshot to head upon being cornered by police, a week after shooting Versace to death outside his house in Miami.

The uber-cool Seattle alternative weekly had a red hot global scoop on its cover. The piece was widely picked up and also syndicated in The London Times, the Irish Independent and The Face. This is the first time it has been available online, however. So in a 21st Century sense, this is the first time it actually exists.

Some 20 years later as I write this, American cable channel FX is airing episode 3 of The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story. The show is said to be “loosely based” on a book by Vanity Fair contributor Maureen Orth: Vulgar Favors: Andrew Cunanan, Gianni Versace, and the Largest Failed Manhunt in U.S. History.

I – and mutual acquaintances of Andrew Cunanan much closer to him – freely shared all we knew with Orth. At the time, she was best known as the wife of long-time NBC TV  Meet the Press host Tim Russert.

I vividly recall the moment sitting on my Murphy bed in Lower Queen Anne speaking on the phone with Orth when, after flattering me with praise for the article below, which had been faxed to her, she asked me to explain to her the specifics of what a “glory hole” was. When it came to the gay demi-monde she was certainly out of her element. The world of alternative newspapers also seemed to present a problem: in her book she cited “Killer Queen” as being published in “Seattle’s gay magazine, The Stranger.

Ironically, there was no glory hole in this story. Not per se. It was an, um, enlarged peephole in a men’s room partition on the Navy base in San Diego. Smaller than a glory hole, but large enough to stick a finger through. I explained this to Orth.

She sighed. “And I have to deal with the family.” The family of Andrew’s first victim.

No, I didn’t think much of her book, Vulgar Favours. (I thought her nemesis Gary Indiana actually came closer to hitting the mark, with his novelizing non-fiction a la Truman Capote in Three-Month Fever.) But, in my very limited personal human contact with Maureen Orth, I guess I couldn’t help empathize with her: she had gotten in over her head when it came to the specifics of implied dick meatus touching; I ended up with people mistaking me for someone interested in their “True Crime” horror gore.

I didn’t watch the latest instalment of The Assassination of Gianni Versace – and I’m not planning to watch the other eight episodes either. Why would I want to?

* * *


by Steven Zeeland

(Originally appeared in The Stranger, 24 July, 1997)

Andrew Cunanan gave me my first Xanax.

This story starts on the beach in San Diego. Andrew used to go there with Corporal Jay. I am what some people would call a “military chaser,” a lover of men like Jay.

When he was a little boy, Jay told his grandmother that he wanted to join the Marine Corps so he could be trained as a marine biologist. She laughed and said, “Oh, you don’t want to go in the Marines. They don’t teach you anything about marine biology, they just teach you how to kill.” At 18, Jay joined the Marines and learned how to kill people with his bare hands. But he retained his affinity for sea creatures. One late summer’s day in 1994 he was wading back from a swim when he stepped on one. It was a stingray. Jay was spared the full fury of its venomous tail; he got away with minor puncture wounds to his sole.

Andrew was equipped to treat Jay’s pain. He made him swallow a Vicodin, a narcotic analgesic. When Jay came home to our Hillcrest apartment, his foot was still a little sore, but he was smiling glassily as he marveled, “Andrew’s a walking drugstore.” He added that Andrew had finally revealed how he obtained at least some of the money he threw around so freely: Andrew dealt prescription drugs.

Probably there was not a long pause before I said, “Maybe he can get me some sleeping pills.” I’ve been an insomniac since I was five. The day of the stingray I was uncomfortably close to exhausting the bottle of Restoril, a sedative, that a sailor friend left in my apartment when he shipped out.

A few days later Jay returned from a night at the bars with a miniature Ziploc bag containing three lavender pills. “I told Andrew what you wanted. He scoffed and said, ‘Restoril is not a very potent drug.’ He said that you should try these. It’s what he takes.” I asked Jay how much I owed Andrew. “It’s a gift. And if you want more, he said that he’ll give them to you at cost.”

Xanax is an anti-anxiety medication prescribed to inhibit panic attacks. A few nights later I took one of the pills at bedtime.

I didn’t like Xanax. It got me to sleep all right, but the entire next day I felt…emotionally flat. Not up or down, neither anxious nor particularly relaxed, but as though a little too much of my personality had been stripped away.

Even then I suspected that Andrew may have considered lacing the Xanax with poison–I knew he didn’t like me. But I placed an order with him for more Xanax anyway, to keep on hand for when I felt panicky after waking from nightmares. Or for when I had to see my family. Or for when Jay indulged his pesky habit of turning psycho on me.

I didn’t take a Xanax the night in early May when I received a phone call informing me that Andrew was accused of murdering former Navy Lieutenant Jeffrey Trail, 27 (bludgeoned to death with a claw hammer), Minneapolis architect David Madson, 33 (shot in the head and back), and Chicago millionaire Lee Miglin, 72 (stabbed, tortured, throat cut with a gardener’s bow saw) in a cross-country killing spree. A few days later it was reported that Andrew killed a fourth man, New Jersey cemetery groundskeeper William Reese, 45 (shot in the head). Then Andrew disappeared.

I felt astonishment, not anxiety.

That was to change.

* * *


An accused man takes on a special beauty. That, at least, is what Kafka says in The Trial.

I thought Kafka must be right when I saw photos of Andrew on TV’s America’s Most Wanted. Andrew was a lot better looking than I remembered – sneering, scruffy, unaccountably butch – almost hot. Then I realized that the photo could only have been taken before the murders. So was what I recognized an anticipatory hint of the enhanced attractiveness that Andrew was about to assume? Or did what I now saw in him reveal something about what makes a man attractive to me?

In May and early June, the same photo of Andrew was featured in magazines and newspapers across the country. The accompanying text didn’t vary much. As pieced together from Andrew’s press clippings:

     “The sequence began in San Diego’s funky, gay-friendly Hillcrest neighborhood, with a 27-year-old who called himself Andrew DeSilva, but whose family knew him as Andrew Phillip Cunanan. Bespectacled and slightly paunchy, ‘DeSilva’ liked to dance with his shirt off.” Time. He “laughed loud, bought expensive gifts for friends and always covered the dinner tab – sometimes for as much as $1,400.” Minneapolis Star Tribune. “He was vague about where the money came from, suggesting to some that it came from his ‘rich Jewish family’ and to others that his father owned land on the Riviera and a plantation in the Philippines.” Newsweek. “Reporters located his mother, MaryAnn, in a central Illinois town, and learned [that] the Cunanans were once wealthy, as Andrew used to brag.” Time.

As an “openly gay teenager” at the exclusive Bishops prep school in La JoIla, Andrew “would whistle at the boys on the water polo team, and he once came to a school dance in a tight red bodysuit with an older man his date. The yearbook voted him ‘Least Likely to Be Forgotten.’” Newsweek. “When his schoolmates teased him, he gave it back to them with a jaunty, ‘Come on, you want some!’” Philadelphia Inquirer. “In 1988 his father, Modesto [a retired Navy career officer turned stockbroker], fled the country to avoid arrest on charges of misappropriating funds.” Time. “Court records say Andrew Cunanan moved to the Philippines in November 1988 to live with his father, returning after only a month because of ‘squalid conditions.’” Minneapolis Star Tribune. “MaryAnn Cunanan now gets food stamps.” Time. “She thinks her son supported himself with money he got from wealthy older men. He was a ‘high-class homosexual prostitute,’ she said.” UPI.

“In late April, DeSilva/ Cunanan told friends he was leaving town, starting with a trip to Minneapolis to visit David Madson and Jeffrey Trail.” Time. Four of his friends threw him a farewell party at his favorite Hillcrest restaurant, California Cuisine ‘The party lasted almost three hours; they ate beef tenderloin, ostrich, and trout. And, for once, Cunanan didn’t cover the food tab – for $220. The waiter who served the party said Cunanan seemed strange, and spoke as if he were reciting prepared lines. ‘He said, “This is a very bittersweet time for me.” Then he leaned back, put his hands behind his head and said, ‘Everyone has their own version of what they think I am. Nobody knows the truth.’” Minneapolis Star Tribune.

The reporting in Andrew’s hometown was disappointing. The San Diego Union Tribune pretty much just ran stories off the wire services. The town’s two gay papers devoted full front pages to the case (“America’s Finest City Home to America’s Most Wanted”), but offered no insightful anecdotes from “the community.” Area TV stations maintained a weeklong vigil in front of California Cuisine, but were reduced to running stories about how they couldn’t get a story because no one wanted to talk.

“The murders have sent many gay people in San Diego into a panic,” reported the weekly Reader. “From the Chee-Chee Club downtown to the International Male fashion store in Hillcrest, people said they ‘knew nothing’ about Cunanan or were unwilling to talk.”

The Reader did manage to interview one friend of murder victim Jeff Trail. He described what happened when he tried to procure photos of Andrew for the FBI: “I couldn’t get one person in this community to give me a picture. They thought of [Andrew] as this rich guy who gave away thousand-dollar coats and gave away shoes and paid for dinners and tipped well and should be considered innocent until proven guilty. Some said they’d actually take him in right now if he needed shelter.”

On June 7, America’s Most Wanted dubbed Andrew “Public Enemy Number One.” Their profile included an interview with Andrew’s most recent roommate, shown only in extreme close-up of his teeth. Another San Diegan interviewed, however, was not at all shy about appearing on camera. Under the landmark pink “HILLCREST” neon sign, Nicole Ramirez Murray, the town’s best known gay activist, hammed it up in alternately male and female drag, boasting that while he had only seen Andrew once at a party, he was intimately acquainted with the two worlds Andrew moved between: “One, a very closeted social elite. A very powerful movers-and-shakers world. Then he was among his peers, which was your party boys and your bar and restaurant scenes.” Murray offered that Andrew “probably could be in drag now. I would advise him to be in drag.”

A week later, Murray scolded readers of his gossip column in the Gay & Lesbian Times: “This whole murder spree has taken on a media circus of its own, with just about everyone claiming that they knew him.… Please! Was I a close or good friend of his? No,” he snapped, “and no one really was.”

In truth, just about everybody in the San Diego gay scene did know “Andrew DeSilva.”

The friends I shared with Andrew confirm that the media got at least two things right: Andrew never forgot a name. And he liked to give people presents. In recent months, perhaps hundreds of men have stared at their own personal mementos of the now famous accused “spree killer.”

To retrace how my world overlapped with Andrew’s, I returned to San Diego, one of his presents hanging around my neck.

* * *


Inevitably, news stories on Andrew invoke Californian inclinations for shallowness, spectacle, and lunacy.  But San Diego’s huge military population makes Hillcrest very different from West Hollywood.

Quoting Murray, an East Coast daily reported: “The San Diego gay community can be particularly secretive, even from the inside. Gay military men and women based in San Diego fear their careers will be destroyed if they are discovered [Note: the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy was very much in effect at this time], as do wealthy retirees still active in political circles.” Murray should know. In addition to having 30 years’ experience as a political operative, he is allegedly a former street drag prostitute who specialized in turning military tricks. He told a reporter: “When I saw Cunanan, I thought, there’s a guy who knows how to handle himself, and he’s making a career, or whatever it is he’s doing.”

For my part I never recognized a kindred spirit in Andrew. Flashy, flush with cash, wildly exuberant and always grinning, he seemed if anything almost my opposite.

I sometimes have a hard time being sociable. But for the first year or two of the four years I lived in Hillcrest (Jay and I left San Diego in September 1996), I spent almost every night in the gay bars and dance clubs, hanging out with my own circle of military boys and hunting for more. My objective was not usually sex – I preferred other venues for that – but to befriend and win the trust of men I could interview for my books. By 1994 I’d met hundreds of sailors and Marines.

Two military men, however, got to know me better than the others. Out of all my San Diego friends, they also happen to have spent the most time with Andrew. Tim, a Navy Lieutenant, met Andrew through Jeff Trail in 1993. At first he saw Andrew mostly at Flicks, the Hillcrest video bar next door to California Cuisine.

“He was a very engaging personality. I liked him very much and spent a good amount of time hanging out with him.” They started going out to dinner together one-on-one. Andrew liked to gossip, but he also enjoyed talking about books. “He was well read, and very intelligent. And in San Diego that’s not a very common thing to run across.”

Tim was puzzled when another Navy officer he knew expressed dislike for Andrew. “I thought, ‘What’s not to like about him?’” Over time, however, Tim began to notice things about Andrew that bothered him.

“Andrew would never reveal very much, other than the stories he would always tell everyone about himself. He told me that he grew up in a very wealthy family. That his parents made their money from owning parking lots in Manhattan. That he had been an intelligence officer in the Israeli Navy. He told me that he went to Yale as an undergrad, and that he was a member of Skull and Bones, the very exclusive fraternity. These pieces started not fitting together.”

More suspicious was Andrew’s presentation. “He had these pat stories, and it was always as if he was doing a performance. I mean, the same inflections of voice, the same types of facial expressions at the same points in the stories. I started to get the feeling I wasn’t talking to someone real. Almost like the way someone famous behaves when they’re being interviewed on TV.”

Tim was uncomfortable when Andrew insisted on giving him a fancy calculator. “That was another thing that kind of set off the alarm bells. ‘This guy’s trying to buy me.’”

I asked Tim what he thought Andrew wanted from him.

“Andrew was someone who craved attention. He craved having people around him who would somehow reflect what he wanted to pretend to be. And you saw that with the old men he hung around with. Because they had money.”

Tim, who is muscular and handsome, does not believe that Andrew was sexually attracted to him. “I never, ever heard him talk about having sex. And even when he did express interest in someone, it was like so put on, it was almost over the top. He would just make extravagant gestures, talking about some guy’s body and, ‘Oh baby, What I would love to do to you.’ But it was never anything you could take seriously.”

Tim says his awareness that Andrew was not what he seemed came in stages, “I started feeling a little queasy, like maybe he was a little too saccharine. And then there were the lies. The final thing was when I heard that Andrew was trying to get Jay to sell drugs. That was the last straw. And I was going to…” Tim laughs. “I’m so glad I didn’t do this; people look at me and think I’m a brawler. The truth is, I’m just a big gentle guy. But I was going to go up to Andrew and threaten him. Now that would have been among the dumber moves I would have made in my short life.”

Another Navy lieutenant told me that Andrew was always ready “to add another military person to his list of friends. What drew me to him was that he knew everyone and was a friendly guy. Since I was assigned to a ship, I would be gone for weeks at a time and did not make many friends right away. So when I would go into the bars, Andrew was someone who I could stand and talk with when I didn’t know anyone else.”

Tim agrees that Andrew was a good contact for military men. “While I was in the Navy, it was an awkward thing for me to go and meet people socially. Because I had so much that I had to hide, and I was just so protective. Here was a guy who could introduce you to anyone. Maybe part of the reason that military people hung around Andrew was that he was just kind of a hub of a wheel.”

I began to realize that Andrew’s life overlapped with mine more than I had expected.

Military boys make easy targets for all sorts of predators. Andrew drew them into his circle by showering them with money and attention. I just gave them attention. He pretended to be a rich former military officer. I admitted to being an obscure, usually broke author, but even that impressed them. In creating our personal mythologies Andrew and I both adopted new last names. We both haunted San Diego gay bars courting beautiful young men that we didn’t want to have sex with (how many other men can say that?).

And, we competed for the favor of one young military man.

* * *

Steven Zeeland playing dead amongst the cacti with Jay, east of San Diego – some years before meeting Cunanan


“Jay looks like a baby seal – just about to be clubbed.” This was the parting shot from the sailor from who I inherited the Restoril and Jay, an adorable 21-year-old Marine from rural Wisconsin who attached himself to me like a burr, taking the place previously occupied by the sailor.

I don’t remember now exactly when in 1993 Jay first mentioned Andrew, or when Andrew first came by our apartment to pick him up, or when I first started getting worried, as opposed to merely feeling jealous. But for two years, Andrew was my biggest rival for Jay’s affection.

“A social cyclone” is Jay’s term for Andrew. “He could always move in and dominate any room. Tim introduced us. Andrew struck up a conversation with me. I was in the Marine Corps at the time so he asked me a lot of questions about that. And then he was gone. The next weekend I bumped into him again. He recognized me, and he remembered my name – which is a rarity. He just said, ‘Follow me.’ We went to the bar, where he proceeded to buy me two gin and tonics, one for each hand, and tipped the bartender $20.’”

I asked Jay what he thought attracted Andrew to him.

“I don’t know. I mean, at that time I had a certain unworldliness. I was probably easy to manipulate.”

Andrew gave Jay presents.

“That camera. An electric razor.” He laughs. “This watch.”

But Jay, too, insists that Andrew was not interested in him sexually.

“The topic never came up. He did joke about it once, but it was in a big group of people. Andrew was bending over and backing into people. I was not singled out. He was doing it to a bunch of people.”

Occasionally Jay did observe other men trying to pick up Andrew.

“Andrew would just lead them along, and be all coy and seductive. Usually they were young, flitty dance bunnies. Andrew would buy them drinks. And finally, right as the bar was closing and they were all worked up, he’d say, ‘It was nice to meet you. Goodbye.’”

Dining at California Cuisine was a new experience for an enlisted Marine who once lived in a trailer park.

“I was always hungry afterwards. He saw my reaction when I saw the prices, and when the small portions arrived. He assured me that if I wanted to, we’d go get something else. But I was never demanding. I think that’s probably another reason why he was attracted to me. I never wanted anything else from him. At first I was uncomfortable with him buying me drinks, so I’d buy my own. But he figured a way around that. He’d buy the drinks before I could. He knew I wouldn’t turn them away once they were already bought.”

Jay and Andrew went to the movies together. “I actually got to go see Pulp Fiction with him,” Jay laughs. “Andrew was all animated and yelling. He especially liked it when the person’s head was blown off in the back of the car. He proclaimed it the best movie ever made.”

Jay also accompanied Andrew to a gay Tupperware Party. “He won my melon-baller for me. I was his partner in the little game where they quiz you on the various features of a certain product. He wanted me to get the orange-peeler, but I said, “No, I have to have the melon-baller.”

Jay says he never questioned Andrew’s stories. “He was so knowledgeable about such a variety of subjects that he could easily deceive anybody. He knew things about the Marine Corps that – if you studied history you wouldn’t even know these things. He could rattle off all this detailed information about life in the Israeli military. Nobody ever challenged him. Not in San Diego.

“There was one time when I actually spoke back to him. I mean, before the last time at the tide pools. It was one night when we were at the bar. I was a little bit depressed. He already bought me so many drinks I was drunk, and I said, ‘I really don’t want another drink.’ And he snapped back, ‘Shut the fuck up. You don’t know what you want.’ He wasn’t laughing. He was very serious. And he got me another drink and he forced me to stay there until I drank it.”

Jay pauses. “You know what? There was one person that he did have sex with. And afterwards every time that person came around he tried to shut him down real quick.”

Andrew wasn’t a “military chaser” like me, but he did court a lot of military men. Were military guys more susceptible to his approach?

“Well, yeah. Most of the military guys out there didn’t have that many solid connections to the gay community. And him being knowledgeable, knowing the whole rank structure, it made him easier to get along with.”

How was Andrew different from me?

Jay laughs. “He was very different from you. He had money! And he was very social, very outgoing. He wasn’t… Scandinavian like you. Andrew was not at all reserved.”

Were there any ways in which we were similar?

Well, you both paid attention to me.”

* * *

The Navy restroom where Zeeland met Trail


Between the stalls in a men’s room on one of San Diego’s Navy bases is a waist-high hole barely large enough to accommodate a man’s finger. Lunchtime is the best time to visit it. Uniformed sailors seek out the hole on their break, as do Navy men in civilian clothes attending classes held in the adjacent conference center.

In 1995 I told Jay about an especially beautiful man I’d encountered there, for the third time. The guy was shy, and only once, briefly, did he kneel down and in accordance with the prevailing etiquette stick his penis under the stall. Most of the time we just watched each other through the hole, or took turns sticking our pinkies through it, touching, just barely, the tips of each other’s penises. His face (I saw through the gap in the door as he arrived, and from the parking lot afterward as I watched him drive away) was boyishly cute. On one of his bronzed, hairless legs was a small tattoo. I’d studied it closely and identified it as a cartoon mouse.

Jay asked: “What kind of car did he drive?”

I told him.

“What color sticker?” he pressed, referring to the Department Of Defense decals that identify service personnel as officers or enlisted.

“Blue,” I muttered.

He laughed. “That’s Jeff,” he said. “He’s one of Andrew’s friends.”

Later I was introduced to Jeff at the gay dance club West Coast. We shook hands, he looked at the floor. I didn’t ask Jeff if I could interview him. By then my book on sailors was finished. And he had already done his part for the gays-in-the-military debate, appearing on a network tabloid news show on the topic, in silhouette.

Jeff used to go to the beach with Jay and Andrew.

“Andrew really, really liked Jeff. Jeff was given respect, and space which Andrew didn’t give to that many other people. Andrew always referred to Jeff as ‘the alpha male,’ as in Jane Goodall’s research into chimps. He did it mainly as a joke. He’d say that to show proper honor to the alpha male you have to expose your genitals. He went up to Jeff and imitated a chimpanzee showing his genitals to the alpha male. Not his actual genitals, he just opened his legs.”

Tim knew Jeff, too. Both men graduated the Naval Academy at Annapolis.

Jeff Trail, Cunanan’s first (known) victim

“Jeff was a guy who absolutely loved having attention heaped upon him. He craved it. In fact, we used to make fun of him, that if you didn’t pay him enough attention he would start to behave like, ‘You’re not paying attention to me!’ But it wasn’t like he would be putting on performances and making grand gestures to get it. He just liked having people around. He threw parties, and they were very neighborly types of gatherings. They were not the self-absorbed spectacles of an Andrew DeSilva. Jeff was very… Illinoisian. He was just a good-natured, folksy kind of guy. He was such a lot of fun. Really great sense of humor. Very, very loyal type of person.

“When I heard that Andrew was trying to recruit Jay to sell drugs, I spoke with Jeff. At that time I was probably hanging out socially with Jeff more than anyone else. And I said something about Andrew: ‘I just don’t like the guy. There’s something not right about him. He lies a lot. He’s involved in some illicit activities. I just want to stay clear of him.’ The funny part is, Jeff agreed with me. But Jeff’s response was that Andrew considered Jeff to be his best friend, so how could Jeff turn him away?”

I remind Tim of what he told me in his interview in Sailors and Sexual Identity: “No matter how old a group of sailors are, because of the retarded lifestyle of the Navy, they’re a very boyish group. But beyond boyishness, there’s just an incredible vulnerability about them. You realize how much these guys need to be taken care of.” I tell him the cartoon mouse tattoo makes me think of Jeff as especially boy-like.

“Yeah. Actually, that’s a very good description of him. He was kind of like an overgrown 16-year-old.”

Why did he stay so close to somebody like Andrew?

“I think it was Jeff’s loyalty. I think it was also Jeff’s love of attention.”

So Andrew himself craved attention, but he was also a master at providing it.

“Most definitely. I think that was one of the things that probably drew me to him. I mean, it’s not something you like to admit, that you have an ego that needs stroking, but I think when it’s done subtly enough, it’s very comforting until you realize, ‘Hey, I’m, being stroked here.’”

Tim attended the memorial service held for Jeff Trail, Andrew’s friend and allegedly his first victim. I didn’t find out about it in time, but I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway. Some people would probably question the legitimacy of my connection to the murdered former lieutenant. But I couldn’t sleep the night I read that his mother said his bludgeoned body was unrecognizable.

* * *


Coming home to Hillcrest felt like slipping into a blood-warm pool, the air scented with eucalyptus and jasmine, painfully beautiful semi-naked creatures bobbing about me. At first I marveled that anyone should need Xanax in such a naturally tranquilizing atmosphere.

From the airport I went directly to the place where Jeff and I had met.

I am not authorized to visit Navy bases, but the guard shack at the entrance was unmanned. Out of habit I peered inside, looking for Polaroids like the ones I’d seen posted in guard shacks of sailors blacklisted for misconduct. There were none. Instead, there was an extremely poor quality photocopy of Andrew’s FBI poster, the photos all but unrecognizable.

The men’s room was deserted. I checked for graffiti but found only a message from a person who signed himself “Zyklon.” He wrote that he killed faggots, boasting “the bodies are never found.”

I tried to use the Polaroid camera Andrew had given Jay. It jammed. In my frustration I used my Swiss Army Knife to pry open the back of the camera just enough to slice through the print, which came out black but for a blot that Jay, when I showed it to him, said looked like dried blood. I took another shot. Again the camera jammed. I managed to extract this photo intact. It was completely white. How perfect, I thought, that the “man of many faces,” a man who the FBI says leaves no fingerprints, and has no distinguishing scars or tattoos, should give a camera that records no images.

But Andrew was everywhere in San Diego. At least in casual conversation.

Many of the acquaintances I talked to about Andrew seemed unaware that I had not been living in San Diego for eight months. It was as though I never left. And they appeared blithely unconcerned about the prospect of Andrew coming home to kill them. Instead, they joked about him. A man who works at the copy shop where I used to get my mail pressed his fingers to his temples and deadpanned: “Someone was just in here asking for you. Some guy named… Andrew Cunanan.”

A high ranking Marine Corps officer I ran into in a coffeehouse found it humorous that he had let a prostitute, drug addict, and accused serial killer use his cell phone. In a gay bar, I walked into the men’s room and hesitated before eschewing the urinals in favor of a stall. “You don’t have to worry, I’m not going to kill you,” a stranger standing at the urinals reproached me. “I’m not Andrew Cunanan.”

When I got the camera fixed the results were almost as disappointing as the blank photographs. The Polaroid Captiva 95’s format is ill-suited to exterior shots of, for example, the apartment buildings of alleged serial killers. The Captiva was designed as a “party camera.” The best photo taken with the camera Andrew gave Jay is still the first. Shot in a bar – by Jeff Trail – it depicts the reputed psycho killer in Nautica jacket, his head pressed to Jay’s chest, a smile on his lips that now, at least, seems to betray trouble.

Cunanan with Zeeland’s boyfriend Jay – photographed by Jeff Trail

* * *


Andrew has been everywhere; nationally too, often in many places at once. An FBI spokesman told America’s Most Wanted, “He’s been sighted in practically every state in the union.”

A Marine Captain who lives in the Bay Area emailed me: “The latest news reports put him in San Francisco. The community is ALL abuzz about it, rife with sightings and reports of encounters. The five o’clock news was actually interviewing bartenders and regulars from the Castro who had seen him. It was really weird, like Elvis sightings or something. I don’t think there’s ever been a gay serial killer like this. It’s very different from Dahmer and the other guy who dressed up like a clown.” This was before Andrew turned up in Miami.

Andrew‘s place in the pantheon of gay serial killers seemed secured when the FBI added him to its Ten Most Wanted list. The Advocate fretted about the bad PR. The San Diego Gay & Lesbian Times editorialized: “Neither Ellen [DeGeneres] nor Cunanan are representative for most people in the gay and lesbian community.”

It was hard to know whether to cringe or laugh at America’s Most Wanted’s interview with Andrew’s roommate’s teeth. Asked the excruciatingly earnest reporter: “There’s been a lot of speculation about the motivation behind these terrible crimes. Was it AIDS causing the fury?”

The Teeth replied: “The HIV-positive thing is a big hoax, I would like to say. It’s just a big rumor.”

Tabloid TV could buy that. But when asked: “Or was it the effect of Cunanan’s interest in sadomasochism?” The polished white incisors chattered: “Andrew did have a, um, fetish for S&M. It never crossed over into his day-to-day activities. Just because someone likes, you know, wrist ties, or, or, anything of that nature doesn’t mean they’re going to go out and kill somebody.” Scary horror movie music erupted as the Fox TV series’ producers cut to a zippered mouth being pulled shut on a leather hood.

The San Francisco Examiner reported that a man “with whom Cunanan had planned to share a two bedroom apartment… got chills when he heard the news of the killings. ‘I’m glad we didn’t become roommates. I feel bad for him in a way, though. If someone had reached out to him, maybe he wouldn’t have gone on this killing spree?’”

The Minneapolis Star Tribune quoted the author of a police textbook on homicide investigation as an expert in “homosexual killings.” He called Andrew “a classic example of that type of serial killer. This is a psycho-sexual manifestation of Cunanan’s rage. Every time he kills a man, he kills that bad part of himself that he doesn’t like.”

“Why is it,” Mark Simpson, author of Anti-Gay, wrote me [collected in The Queen is Dead], “that these days if you’re homosexual you’re not allowed to be evil? You’re just misunderstood. Really, I sympathize with Andrew. You go through all that trouble of murdering your friends, hitting them over the head with claw hammers, cutting their throats with bow saws, torturing them, wrapping them in plastic, and still people won’t accept that you kill not because you’re full of ‘self-loathing,’ but because you enjoy it. Especially when it’s written all over your face. I looked at that snap of Andrew with Jay which you sent me, and immediately thought: ‘Who is that mad, scary bitch?’ But then, people say the same about me.”

I wonder if Andrew and I got some of the same laughs out of his press. When police found the murdered millionaire’s Lexus, the car was strewn with Andrew’s press clippings.

I know that there are many people Andrew would want to kill before me. But I’ve had to consider whether publishing this essay might not move me up on his list. Maybe he would grant me an exclusive interview, my last and best remembered. At its close, in a slightly desperate stab at humor, I’d quote the grandmother in Flannery O’Connor’s “A Good Mam is Hard To Find”: “You don’t look a bit like you have common blood. I know you come from nice people!” As my body fell limp to the floor, my cat would rub affectionately against the killer’s leg.

Of course in writing this, I’m indulging in the same drama queen silliness of Andrew-spotters nationwide. Really, Andrew never paid that much attention to me. But he did once offer to kill me.

* * *


Military boys share something of the attractiveness of the accused. There is a vulnerability and menace about them that derives from their apprenticeship in institutionalized violence, but also from the troubled backgrounds that propel so many of them toward the military, especially the Marine Corps.

One evening Jay returned from dinner with Andrew at California Cuisine to discover that his car had been broken into. Missing were a green suede jacket and a car vacuum cleaner. Probably it was something in his past that led Jay to conclude it was me who had violated his trunk with a screwdriver. He appeared at the door and, to my confusion, wordlessly began packing up his belongings.

Later, Jay related that he went to Andrew for advice. (Tim was out of town.) Andrew told him that he did not know me well enough to say whether I was the type of person who would violently betray the trust of his best friend. “But,” Jay told me cheerfully, “he said that if I wanted him to, he would kill you anyway.”

This offer didn’t seem a big deal at the time. After all, Jay had confided that he himself sometimes dreamed, and daydreamed, about murdering me. “I won’t tell you the details,” he once chuckled, “but it involves an ice pick.”

When I brought this up during our conversation about Andrew, Jay protested: “Doesn’t everybody sometimes dream of murder?”

He has a point. And Jay was, for the most part, a lovable psycho. Even if he did confess that he equates fucking another man with sticking a steak knife into him, to my knowledge he’s never physically hurt anyone who didn’t want it.

Still, after meeting us, Mark Simpson (who’s had his own hair-raising involvements with military boys) wrote me that although he admired our unorthodox partnership, “perhaps I will yet read of one or both of your bloody ends, a la Joe Orton, in the National Enquirer.”

* * *


I don’t know Andrew well enough to say whether he’s the type of person that would violently betray the trust of his best friend. But the incident that marked the turning point in Jay’s – and my –

relationship with Andrew will not come as a surprise to anyone versed in serial killer narratives.

Jay: “We were down at the beach in the tide pools. There was a really, really big anemone that I found. Andrew shrieked and said, ‘I’m going to catch a crab for it!’ So he went around to a rock, and there was a crab that Andrew saw, and it crawled into a little crevice. He tried to dig it out with his fingers and it was pinching at him. He got frustrated and took out his keys. I said, “You know, there’s probably other crabs in other places. We really don’t have to feed the anemone.’

“He snapped at me to shut up. Then he started jabbing his keys into the hole. He had a very focused look in his eye. He just kept jabbing until the crab was basically mush, and there were little pieces falling out. He took the little pieces and fed those to the anemone. Then he went around and found a different, smaller crab that he fed alive to the anemone.”

So that disturbed you?

“Oh yeah.”


“Well, there was a certain amount of violence. And he’d already shown me his gun. I guess I kind of took your and Tim’s words to heart and started distancing myself. Which wasn’t too hard to do because a month later I started up school, which almost totally removed me from the picture.”

Jay majored in marine biology.

“Sometimes I would still see Andrew out. He’d say, ‘You haven’t called me,’ but he was never reproachful. He would say, ‘My number’s still the same.’ He’d buy me drinks. It was like I never left.”

* * *


It seems safe to call Andrew a particularly extreme casualty of what author Frank Browning calls the “burden we all face in contemporary consumer society, where we accumulate concepts and slogans about experience instead of living inside of experience.” But, obviously, questions remain.

Writing this essay gave me nightmares. After I got back from San Diego, I visited a low-income medical clinic. Offhandedly I told the doctor, “I need a refill on my prescription for Xanax.”

He grimaced, sighed, and demanded: “Do you have some insight into why you need this?” Ultimately he condescended to prescribe me exactly seven tablets, protesting: “Xanax is such an ’80s drug.”

The night I took my first licit Xanax I had my worst nightmare about Andrew to date. In my waking life I am a pacifist. In my dream, I cut Andrew to pieces with a knife.

© Steven Zeeland 2018 – website.

The Queen is Dead, Zeeland & Simpson’s collected critically-acclaimed collected correspondence from this period, is now available on Kindle. patrons can read here Zeeland’s ‘Making Money Out of Andrew’ July 1997 letter to Mark Simpson about  the background to this piece, how the Seattle Stranger spiked it – until Cunanan shot Versace to death. And how he nearly got a five figure advance to write a book about ‘Uncle Monkey’ – until a cornered Cunanan selfishly shot himself in the head.

Morrissey & David Hoyle Spent The Day in Bed

I recently got around to watching the video for ‘Spent the Day In Bed’, Morrissey’s first single from his new Low in High School album.

Since writing Saint Morrissey – which was something akin to an exorcism – I’ve taken a somewhat more leisurely approach to the Stretford Bard’s output. Perhaps I’m slightly disappointed that he didn’t have the decency to finally retire incommunicado to Bognor Regis after it was published over a decade ago.

Instead my 58 year-old subject has, very selfishly, continued to tour furiously, put out new albums, as well as open his big Manc mouth and managing to epater les bourgeoisie fairly regularly, getting his name in the papers. I’m positively dreading all the updating I’d have to do for a new edition. Just when you think you’ve pinned and mounted your butterfly….

To make matters worse, ‘Spent The Day in Bed’ is Morrissey’s strongest, catchiest, most lyrical single for years.

Yes, the themes are very familiar – you might almost say… ‘tired’. The lines ‘Spent the day in bed/As the workers stay enslaved’ could be a three decades on sequel to ‘Still Ill’: ‘And if you must go to work tomorrow/Well if I were you I wouldn’t bother…’. And also ‘Nowhere Fast’ of course, with its lying in bed thinking about life and death and discovering ‘neither one particularly appeal to me’.

Morrissey – Spent the Day in Bed (Official Video)

‘Spent the Day in Bed’ and the video are full of lazy intimations of mortality and gallows humour – but this time, a third of a century on, and with recent cancer scares, the gallows looms rather larger. Those sheets for which he’s paid and in which he’s laid could also be winding sheets, just as those pillows are ‘like pillars’.

But why not lie in your bed mausoleum taunting death?

‘Oh time do as I wish/Oh time do as I wish’

And avoiding life. Or at least, the impostor version of it we have to submit to:

‘No bus, no boss, no rain, no train./No emasculation, no castration’

In the video, when he gets to ‘no castration’, I think I detect a flicker of a self-mocking grin.

The video is almost as darkly funny as the lyrics. Morrissey in a Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? wheelchair is trundled into what looks like a dimly-lit 1960s Manchester working men’s club by a smirking, fresh-faced Joey Barton (I’d like to think Moz insisted that he get a shave if he wanted to be in his promo).

Barton, a famous Morrissey fan, is a professional ruffian footballer and tattooed boy from Birkenhead – well, Huyton if you want to be pedantic. And who wouldn’t want to be wheeled around by him in their dotage? Especially since Bette Davis is no longer available. (Though a passable stand-in does make an appearance later…)

Moz then performs the entire song seated, head tilted backwards, perhaps to catch the little light there is, perhaps to stretch out his 58-year-old neck, while his band perform on their feet around him – finally falling off his chair and out of shot at the end. A reminder that:

‘Life ends in death/So, there’s nothing wrong with/Being good to yourself/Be good to yourself for once!’

Life ends in death, so pamper yourself. By rehearsing it.

But it is the dreamy ‘Oh time do as I wish’ interlude in the video which is the main reason I’m writing this post. I almost fell off my chair when my old chum the performance artist David Hoyle suddenly appeared onstage at this point doing some sexy dancing with something shimmy. Watched avidly by Morrissey and Joey Barton, the latter hungrily popping peanuts into his mouth.

David, someone I got to know in the early 80s in London when we were both teenage runaways to Sodom-on-Thames, now lives in Manchester but grew up in Blackpool – where as a teenager he performed Shirley Bassey numbers in working men’s clubs, rather like the one in the video.

Hoyle and Morrissey have a lot in common – both northern, scornful, working class poet-prophets of the absurdity of desire, both determined not to keep the customer satisfied, and both keeping on keeping on, though one rather closer to the breadline than the other. It’s about time they got together.

And in fact much of the sentiment of ‘Spent the Day in Bed’ is also present in many of David’s shows (you can see many of them on YouTube) – which are also chock-full of gallows humour.

David likes to remind his audience regularly that they’re all going to die, despite their precious identities, ideologies and Sainsburys loyalty cards. He also likes to urge them to not bother to go to work tomorrow and try a little bit of anarchy instead. No bus, no boss, no train, no rain….

Here’s a review I wrote of one of David’s shows at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern in London in 1998, a frightening two decades ago, when he was still appearing as The Divine David (a persona he was shortly to kill off – before it killed him). All will be explained. Or perhaps not….

Joan and Bette together again


by Mark Simpson (Independent on Sunday, 1998)

Last year a one-man avant-garde whirlwind arrived on the London alternative cabaret circuit. Looking and sounding like Bette Davis meets Iggy Pop (and drinks him under the table) he proclaimed the death of drag and traditional crowd-pleasing en-ter-tain-ment.

Oh yes, and the redundancy of sexuality and gender as well.

“REMEMBER!” he would howl at the audience, after some crazed portrait-painting or singing Bowie’s Heroes in the style of Tommy Steele, “you may be standing there feeling very proud of yourself for being ‘a man’ or ‘a woman’ , ‘a straight’ or a” – spitting the word out like a piece of four-day old mince he found lodged between his teeth – “‘gay’, but you’ve all got something in common, something much more certain than any of these fragile illusions. YOU’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!”

“Now,” he’d add softly, “isn’t that lovely, ladies and gentlemen? Doesn’t that give you a warm feeling inside?”

But The Divine David has decided that this isn’t the kind of thing that the punters want. The embodiment of the avant-garde after the death of the avant-garde, the zombie Spirit of Humanity that used to urge audiences not to go to work tomorrow or pay any bills has gone corporate. A glossy colour leaflet advertises his latest show, Viva 5 Apathy, with pictures of smiling people in suits clutching lap-tops at board-meetings and includes a statement from the President, The Divine DavidTM, about how market research has convinced him that what is needed is a more consumer-led product.

“This time,” he concludes, “it’s corporate!”

Although this sensible mission statement is undermined slightly by a photo on the last page depicting The Divinely Skinny One snapped from behind in a pair of purple briefs, looking over his shoulder, sloppily lip-sticked lips parted coquettishly, mouthing a faux surprised “OH!”.

At the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, now re-named the Royal Vauxhall Conference Centre, Jay Cloth, The Divine David’s delectable-yet-efficient secretary and receptionist, takes your money (£3 waged/£3.50 unwaged), issues you with a name badge and does a spot of niche-market research, showing you some flash cards featuring fire, ambulance, police and mountain rescue and asking: “Have you used any of these services recently?”

The Vauxhall Tavern is a perfect venue for the Divine David’s reinvention of himself. Built in the mid-nineteenth century as a music-hall venue, after the Second World War it became a drag pub. In the seventies disco lights, black paint and a dj booth was added and it became a gay drag pub. Corinthian columns, flaking paint and a century of tobacco smoke, alcohol fumes and rowdy, anarchic performance reaches its apotheosis and nadir in The Divine David.

Except, of course, he’s now gone corporate. “I’ve learnt that people want entertainment”’ he announces when he finally steps out onto the stage, wearing a business-like mauve woollen twin-set with padded shoulders Herman Munster would have envied. “Audiences don’t want anything that will stretch them a bit. There’s going to be none of that avant-garde rubbish tonight. None of you need go home tonight to your rented accommodation feeling stupid.” He then performs a cappella quite the most disturbing version of ‘You Made Me Love You’ – so inane that it takes on meanings you never wanted to think about before: I didn’t wanna do it…

Entertainment over, David conducts a flip-chart seminar on how to “make a go of it” in business. “First,” he says, all schoolmarmish, “you take your self,” and writes ‘SELF’ at the top of the chart. “And then you get rid of that.” He strikes the word through. “And you become a what? Does anybody know?”

“A CUNT!” shouts out a drunken Scottish voice.

“Yes, a cunt that’s right.” He writes ‘CUNT’. “And what do you end up in?”


“A nightmare, exactly,” agrees David in a businesslike fashion, writing ‘= A NIGHTMARE’. “Does everyone see how that works? That’s lovely.”

The Divine David, corporate or avant-garde, doesn’t have much time for sentimentality. At one point he declares his support for Tracy Edwards: ‘Any woman who kills a man is a friend of mine.’

A little later he ruminates: “When I’m at a garden party or some such social occasion, people often come up to me and say, ‘Oh, David, there’s a gay over here, you must meet him.’ And I say, ‘Oh a gay, I know all about that – that’s about gristle up your shitter – if memory serves me right….’.

Not very fond of ‘men’ or ‘gays’, The Divine David has what some might call a certain distance on his predicament. Others, of course, will accuse him of ‘self-hatred’. But the whole point of The Divine David is drama and conflict, a refusal to become what you are supposed to be, a refusal to relax into identity, into niche markets and corporate/corporal values, into predictability. Or profitability.

So before the second half of his performance, we hear him announce over the p.a.: “Ladies und gentlemen, I’ve a confession to make. I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve gone avant-garde again!”

Out he prances on stage in an alarming vented black body-suit, stretched over his gangly frame and his head, leaving a mad little oval of smeared red lips and melting mascara eyes. To the tune of a disco rhumba he then dances and mimes in a delightfully demented way with a couple of hoops, including an hilarious wheelchair moment straight out of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?.

The Divine David is back – quite the scariest, funniest, smartest, truest, noblest thing you can see for three quid. Invest now.

In the 21st Century David Hoyle is on Facebook.

Top Gun Turns Thirty – How Did It Get So Gay?

by Mark Simpson

(Originally published in the Daily Telegraph May 12, 2016)

30-years ago today, the stars of Top Gun were taxiing  the red carpet at the premiere in New York. The film, which features Tom Cruise’s ‘Maverick’ and Val Kilmer’s ‘Iceman’ wrestling in the air for Alpha male supremacy, was abou t to ‘go ballistic’ and smash multiple box office records. In doing so, the Tony Scott piloted blockbuster would make A-listers out of its two preening male stars, and become perhaps the definitive 80s film.

But it has also become a shared joke these days. The subject of Saturday Night Live skits and a host of YouTube parodies.

Though it really doesn’t need much parodying. Or editing. There’s a plot which sees Tom Cruise as ‘Maverick’ and Val Kilmer as ‘Iceman’ wrestling in the air for ‘top’ – with Kelly McGillis trying, vainly, to come between them.

Then there’s those lingering locker-room scenes, in which the sweaty jocks stand around wearing only towels and perfectly gelled hair, apparently waiting for the cheesy porno muzak to start.

TG Locker Room Scene

And that ‘ambiguous’ dialogue: ‘Giving me a hard-on!’ whispers one flyboy to another, watching videos of dogfights. ‘Don’t tease me!’ replies his buddy. ‘I want butts! Give me butts!’ shouts an angry air traffic control officer. And the final reel consummation between Iceman and Maverick on the deck of an aircraft carrier in the Indian Ocean, cheered on by the entire crew, after all that playing hard to get: ‘You can be my wingman any time!’ ‘Bullshit, you can be mine!’

And of course, the immortal volleyball scene, in which oiled guys in jean-shorts and shades flex and strut and jump to the sounds of ‘Playing with the Boys’.

All this plus Tom Cruise at his prettiest and poutiest, in leathers and on a motorbike. When not in his underwear.

So it’s difficult to believe it now, but when Top Gun was released in 1986, the vast majority of the people who flocked to see it did not think it ‘gay’. At all. They would likely have dropped their popcorn at the suggestion – and the movie wouldn’t have taken $177M internationally, making it one of the most successful movies of the decade. Instead Top Gun was seen as the story of airborne, aspirational male heterosexual virility. Nice-looking, worked-out male heterosexual virility.

Even nearly a decade on in 1994 when I wrote about the outrageous homoerotics of Top Gun in my book ‘Male Impersonators’, plenty of people still weren’t prepared to have Top Gun’s heterosexuality impugned. Later the same year the director Quentin Tarantino made a controversial cameo appearance in the movie ‘Sleep With Me’, arguing that Top Gun was about a gay man struggling with his homosexuality.

The journalist Toby Young, a Tarantino fanboy, was moved to write an essay in the Sunday Times defending his favourite movie’s heterosexuality from Simpson and Tarantino’s filthy calumnies. As I recall, his ‘clinching’ argument was that Top Gun couldn’t be a gay movie because he’d watched it twenty times – and he’s straight.

And in a queer way, he was right. Top Gun isn’t of course a gay movie. But it’s flagrantly not a very straight one either. Whatever the intentions of its makers, it’s basically ‘bi’ on afterburners. And this seems to be widely accepted now.

So how did attitudes towards Top Gun change so much? How did it’s virile heterosexuality so spectacularly ‘crash and burn’?

Well, partly because everyone is so much more knowing these days, or at least keen to seen to be. And we have tell-tale YouTube to collect all those ‘incriminating’ clips. It’s why we talk about ‘bromance’ now – instead of ‘innocent’ buddy movies. And partly it’s because Top Gun has come to be seen as the quintessential 80s movie – and the 80s are now seen as culturally ‘gay’. Or camp.

For instance, despite his apparently entirely heterosexual personal life, Simon Cowell is seen as screamingly ‘gay’ – culturally. And his whole personal style, the hair, the white t-shirts, the leather jackets, the Ray Bans is Top Gun. (Even his business model is Top Gun – the karaoke, and the struggle to ‘be the best’.)

All that said, the erotic ambiguity of Top Gun – which is what really powers it – is in the spectacular collision between the mostly sublimated homoerotics of traditional Hollywood war and buddy movies with the glossy ‘gayness’ and emergent male vanity and individualism of 1980s advertising. It’s somehow both innocent and explicit all at once. A proto-metro war movie.

In 1985, the year before TG was released, a new UK TV ad campaign for tired jeans brand Levis featuring Nick Kamen stripping in a launderette had caused a sensation – sending Levis sales into the stratosphere. Like Top Gun, the ad was set in a mythical 1940s, but with a 1950s soundtrack. Although we’re all familiar with it now, jaded even, back then the male body was just beginning to be sold to the mainstream – very often taking its cues from gay porn, because that was really the only reference point for the sexualized male body.

Levi's commercial – Laundrette

The late Tony Scott, like his older brother Ridley, had learned his craft in the UK ad business – and their father was a career soldier. Hence the glamorous, fetishizing presentation of the young men in the movie, alongside the more traditional homoerotic-homosocial banter that we now find so hilarious. Those infamous locker-room scenes were the Launderette ad all over again – only gayer.

What TG succeeded in doing was making the then new, consumerist, non-traditional male vanity of the 1980s look traditional and patriotic – and the military an attractive, sexy proposition for a new generation of young men with different expectations to their fathers’. Hence the loan to the film-makers by the USN of the USS Enterprise. (Reportedly USN recruiting went through the roof after the film’s release.)

After all, some years earlier the USN had loaned The Village People a destroyer to record the promo of their single ‘In The Navy’. Back then, most people who bought their records didn’t think The Village People were gay either. They just thought them fun archetypes of hetero American machismo.

Village People – In the Navy OFFICIAL Music Video 1978

“I Don’t Inhabit My Own TV Series” – Victoria Wood On That Big Gay Following

In tribute to Victoria Wood who died today, I’m posting this interview I did with her in 1998, for Attitude magazine. An historically funny – and very smart – northern woman.

‘The Northern Woman,’ said Alan Bennett, who knows about these things, ‘is like the Galapagos Turtle—she’s an entirely different species.’ In the eighties, Victoria Wood’s As Seen on TV was the HMS Beadle of comedy, bringing us bizarre flora and fauna never seen before on telly. Creatures like Bossy Northern Woman: ‘Make way!  I’m a diabetic!’ Common Northern Woman: ‘Is it on trolley an’ can yer point to it?’. And Very Common Northern Woman: ‘I’ve got ‘ide and ‘eal on me lovebites—I were shit-faced on a pint of brandy and Babycham last night!’

Since then, these exotics have become naturalised to the British TV landscape and Victoria Wood has become a national institution. And like many national institutions, she hasn’t done so well in the Nineties, a decade which turned out to belong to the Southern Fash Mag Slag.

But now everyone’s bored with the Nineties and the Eighties are back and so is Ms Wood, with a square meal sitcom called ‘Dinner Ladies’ that makes you wonder why you ever bothered with insubstantial London tarts. Dinner Ladies is a perfect excuse for getting an eclectic bunch of Northern Women together to fill a lot of torpedo rolls and serve up a lot of classic Woodisms: ‘…don’t get me wrong,’ says one middle aged lady to another, ‘I’ve nothing against ‘Delilah’, it’s just Tom Jones squatting in his swimming trunks on the cover of TV Times that I have a problem with…’.

Did she consciously aim for a Beckettian standard of dialogue? ‘Well!’ laughs Wood, swallowing the last of her Welsh Rarebit, rubbing her fingers over her plate and looking away to the right, eyes raised, in that slightly shy but determined way she has. ‘I wanted them to have conversations which shot past one another and they’re never concluded. People overhear the end of conversations that are left unexplained. I wanted a mixture of high comedy and naturalism.’

Wood in person is a mixture of friendly unpretentiousness—laughing loudly and generously—with a quietly confident smartness. She’s also of course northern, but in a mild, lower middle class Lancashire-bred and BBC-educated way.

Wood’s father was an insurance underwriter in Preston. She had one brother and two sisters, but they didn’t mix. It was a lonely childhood. ‘We lived in a very strange house on a hill with no neighbours and no visitors. I just stayed in my room and watched the TV and played the piano. Sometimes my father would come in and watch a bit of TV standing up, as if he were just about to leave, but my mother wouldn’t watch any telly at all. In fact, it used to go back to the shop in the Summer to encourage us to pick bluebells in the meadow, or something.’

Wood didn’t turn to that other staple of desperate youth: pop music. ‘It seemed to me to be about dressing up and going out and meeting boys, which scared me. It wasn’t until I was fifteen that I had a boyfriend or any friends at all. I felt like I’d been accepted for membership of the human race.’

In addition to her own humanity, Wood discovered a passion for performing and studied drama at Birmingham University. Even before she graduated she was performing in folk clubs and appearing on Pebble Mill, followed by ‘a really awful talent programme on ITV with Lenny Henry’. Almost single-handedly, Wood invented the British female TV stand-up.

But it seems a bit extreme—to spend your youth as a bedroom recluse and your adulthood as a stand-up comedian? ‘Yes,’ she agrees, nodding, ‘but it’s very therapeutic,’ she explains. ‘You have to bond with the audience: this is my world, do you get it? When they say, “Yeah!” It’s great, especially when you feel that you live in a world that doesn’t really get you….’

Perhaps this is the reason why so many gay fans ‘get you’ to the point of obsession? I have several gay friends who can recite whole seasons of As Seen on TV

Wood nods. She’s heard about these cases. ‘Flattering as it is, it was never intended. That would just be patronising and dire. Mind, I did wonder about the signals I was giving out: I had short hair and a big suit. These enormous lesbians used to come round the stage door and they’d be wearing the same suit and the same hair!’

Having gay fans can mean that you’re incredibly sophisticated and witty, or… ‘… it can mean that you’re just a really sad middle-aged woman,’ laughs Wood finishing my sentence. ‘But I’m not dependent on that relationship for my own self-esteem in the way that some gay icons who are very responsive to their gay fans are. I’m not in that world. I have my own life. I don’t inhabit my own TV series.’

‘What I tend to get are very intelligent creative gay boys of 15-16 who really like my sketches. I think part of the reason why gay men respond so well is because camp is partly about echoing, in exaggerated form, the way some women speak, which is what I do in my work.’

I ask about a famously intelligent and creative fan of Wood’s whose work also echoes the way extraordinary ordinary women speak. ‘Oh yes,’ she recalls, ‘Morrissey used to write to me a lot. He invited me to his house once. I didn’t go because, well, I don’t visit people’s houses if I don’t know them. It just doesn’t seem right.’

Of course, Bossy Northern Woman would have been round there in a flash, poking around in Moz’s cupboards and measuring the pile on his shag.

Objectify Yourself

Mark Simpson on the (self) sexualisation of today’s male body & why straight young men crave gay adulation

(Originally appeared in Out Magazine, February 2015)

Male self-objectification is, as they like to say on social media, a “thing.”

There’s been a rash lately of so-called “gender flip” memes, in which people pretend to be impressed by male hipsters pretending to subvert sexism by ironically adopting the clichéd poses of sexualized women. Although sometimes funny and instructive, especially when it involves licking sledgehammers, the anti-sexism of many of these gender flip memes depends on a (hetero)sexist assumption that men just aren’t meant to be objectified — so it’s hilarious when they are.

Rather than, say, that the men adopting these cheesecake poses usually just aren’t very attractive.

It also relies on jamming your eyes shut in order not to notice how men who aren’t meme-generating hipsters prefer to stake their claim to our attention not on faux feminism but rather on sweat-soaked gym sessions, pricey supplements, plunging necklines, and general shamelessness. And as with sex itself, there’s nothing ironic about it. It’s a very serious, very profitable business.

At the multiplex, Chris Evans keeps blinding us with his all-American oiled bazookas. Channing Tatum and his bun chums keep whipping their pecs and asses out and — who knows? — may even finally deliver the man goods in this year’s sequel, Magic Mike XXL. Meanwhile, Guardians of the Galaxy recently wowed the world by proving that even previously pudgy Chris Pratt (of Parks and Recreation fame) can be a Men’s Health cover girl. And Chris Hemsworth was named “Sexiest Man Alive” by People magazine on account of his long lashes, big guns, and huge hammer.

There’s even an MTV Movie Award for “Best Shirtless Performance,” which in 2014 went to Zac Efron for That Awkward Moment — but only after he stripped again, onstage at the ceremony, without being awkward about it at all.

Zac Efron suddenly feeling very hot.

Zac Efron suddenly feeling very hot.

True, Hollywood too often still feels the need to justify big-screen male sluttiness with CGI heroics, a kind of muscular Christianity in spandex — insisting, in effect, that this is virile activity, not gay/girly passivity. And as if to keep that sluttiness further in check, it often limits the nude or topless male scenes to one per 100-minute movie.

Perhaps because it caters more to women, TV is a relatively unbuttoned medium when it comes to the male body. Even TV superheroes such as Stephen Amell’s Arrow are often costume-optional. Maybe because their male characters are already damned, gothic shows like True Blood, Teen Wolf, and The Vampire Diaries are positively pulsing with appetizing boy flesh. It’s enough to make anyone grow fangs. And the young, buff men of reality TV — the Jersey Shorettes — are everywhere, wearing very little, and doing even less. Except demanding we look at them.

Dan Osborne gif

The “structure” of structured reality TV is usually unveiled male V-shapes. In the U.K., a voluptuously endowed, cheeky, straight(ish) guy in The Only Way Is Essex (the U.K. Jersey Shore equivalent) called Dan Osborne became a national hero in 2014 after wearing glittery Speedos on prime time on another reality show,Splash! — even upstaging his mentor, the perfectly formed Olympic diver Tom Daley.

The 23-year-old Osborne, like a lot of today’s self-objectifying straight men, loves The Gays. Really loves them. Last year he appeared in the U.K. gay magazine Attitude, very generously offering readers his shapely bubble butt across a double-page spread, with the strapline “Sex is fun. Be safe and enjoy it.” He told Attitude, “I’ve had a few bum pinches, and I don’t mind that at all. Maybe it’s because a guy knows how hard it is to train, so they appreciate it more.”

Underwear model and wounded Marine vet Minsky embraces the gaze

Underwear model and wounded Marine vet Minsky embraces the ga(y)ze

Here in the States, pumped underwear model Alex Minsky — the indelibly inked U.S. Marine Corps vet and amputee — is very happy to mercilessly titillate his many appreciative gay fans with naked naughtiness. And even a major film star like James Franco can’t seem to leave them alone, posting all those semi-naked selfies on his Instagram feed.

The way straight young men chase and hustle gay attention today represents a major, millennial shift in attitudes. Part of the reason that men offering themselves as sex objects were frowned upon in the past was that they could be objectified by anyone — including people with penises. They were queered by the penetrating queer gaze.

Now they beg and plead for it. They instinctively know that male objectification is about enjoying and celebrating male passivity, even — and especially — if you’re straight. So getting the gays proves not only your hotness, and coolness, but also your metaphysical versatility. It proves that you are a proper, fully fledged, all-singing, all-dancing sex object.

Blame the metrosexual, who was born two decades ago, outing male vanity and the masculine need to be noticed. In just a generation, the male desire to be desired, or “objectified,” to use that ugly word — which the metrosexual exemplified — has become mainstream: It’s regarded as a right by today’s selfie-admiring young men, regardless of sexual orientation. In a visual world, men want to be wanted too — otherwise, they might disappear. They also need to look a lot at other men in order to better understand how to stand out.

Second-generation metrosexuality is very obviously more body-centered and hardcore — or spornosexual. Young men today want to be wanted, not for their wardrobes, but for their bodies. Bodies they spend a great deal of time, effort, and money fashioning into hot commodities down at the gym, tanning salon, and designer tattoo parlor — and then uploading to the online marketplace of social media for “likes,” “shares,” and cutthroat comparisons with their pals.

It shouldn’t be so surprising. Today’s young men are growing up with a different idea of “normal,” in which European and Australian professional rugby players are happy to strip down and oil up. The highly homoerotic, highly provocative Dieux du Stade calendars of rugby players in the buff became only slightly less homoerotic when adapted by Dolce and Gabbana in their megabucks advertising campaigns starring the Italian World Cup soccer team. David Beckham and then Cristiano Ronaldo offered similar favors for Armani, followed by lithe Spanish tennis ace Rafael Nadal, who is currently filling out the Italian designer packet. And former Australian rugby league player Nick Youngquest is now the body and face — in that order — of Paco Rabanne.

Gays are no longer a despised or marginalized niche — they’re leverage. If you get the gays panting, you eventually get everyone else.


David Gandy, possibly the world’s only male supermodel who isn’t a professional athlete, has a darkly handsome, model-perfect face. But his sensual, athletic, beautiful body is his calling card. So it is entirely apt that he was “made” by Mr. & Mr. D&G, who cast him in their famous 2007 “Light Blue” campaign, in a boat off Capri, wearing scandalously abbreviated D&G swim trunks, glistening in the sun and lying back, hands behind his head, awaiting our attention. He was accompanied by a foxy lady (Marija Vujovic), but he was the unquestioned object of the camera’s gaze.

Seven years on, it’s still his trademark. In a clip for Gandy’s recent Autograph underwear campaign, the camera, in extreme close-up, licks down his naked torso towards his naked, shaved groin — then fades out just in time.

It’s clear to anyone who wants to notice that in the spornosexual 21st century, the male body has been radically redesigned. With the help of some “objectifying” blueprints from Tom of Finland, it is no longer simply an instrumental thing for extracting coal, building ships, making babies, fighting wars, and taking the trash out. Instead it has become a much more sensual, playful thing for giving and especially receiving pleasure.

Or as the young men of the Warwick University rowing team put it in a promotional quote for the 2015 version of their now famous nude charity calendar, dedicated to fighting homophobia in sports and rammed with arty ass shots: “Regardless of gender or sexuality, we are inviting you into that moment with us.”

Naked Rowers