Skip to content

Top Gun Reloaded

Maverick is back.

Though of course he never went away. Since he appeared in that film back in 1986, making him one of Hollywood’s biggest box office draws, Tom Cruise remained forever Maverick for the next three decades or so. Captured like a Mayfly in director Tony Scott’s amber filters, frozen with that boyish grin and annoyingly endearing arrogance – and maybe a bit of ‘work’ and weave.

Like the famous portrait of Dorian Gray, Top Gun preserved Mr Cruise in his prime. (His ‘painter’ Mr Scott, however, died in 2012, by suicide.)

Dorian Cruise on the set of TG2

Luckily the much-delayed sequel comes just before the limits of medical/cosmetic science were reached. Mr Cruise is 57 – yes FIFTY SEVEN – years old.

Top Gun 2, the sequel to the 1980’s most definitive – and also ‘gayest’ – movie is due to ‘go ballistic’ in a multiplex near you next year. Expect damp seats aplenty. Mostly those sat in by middle-aged straight men. And Simon Cowell.

I doubt that it will be as satisfyingly gay/camp as the original – that would be pretty much impossible. But it seems that the remake gives a nod or wink to the latter-day reputation of the first movie, with the glimpse of topless, oiled male volleyball.

If the (typically unrealistic but highly aesthetic) flight sequences in the newly-released trailer look a bit X-Wing Star Wars, that’s probably deliberate.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer drew his partner the late Don Simpson‘s attention to the California magazine feature on US Navy F-14 pilot training which inspired them to make their most famous movie, declaring excitedly “It’s Star Wars on Earth!”

I learned this and other fascinating TG fanboy factoids – including that those famous steamy locker room scenes were actually Tom’s idea, and that hyper-hetero Simpson was an early, high-rolling metrosexual with an eye for the gay aesthetic – earlier this year while reading a page-turning biography of Don:

Become a patron at Patreon!

5 thoughts on “Top Gun Reloaded”

  1. Oh, he has many others. This vile display of depravity is not even close to being his worse. This is usually what he raps about: fucking men and doing gay sex, and saying that he is not gay, strangling his ex-wife to death to show her hat she is not Haillie’s mom, but that he is Haillie’s true mommy – she is 23 now, but mommy Em still brings her clean lawndry to her house every week -, or how depressed he is without his fix of methadone. Those are pretty much the only things he sings aobut. Oh, and also publicly destroying and humiliating other artists with his devastating(understatement) wit. His vitcims include Ja Rule, Canibus, Everlast, Christina Aguillera and Mariah Carey. He verbally assaulted and embarrassed them so badly that they were unable to reply and in the case of Já rule and Canibus their careers were over. Here is Eminem essentially destroying Mariah Carey in “the Warning”, his response to Mariah’s “obsessed”: While I think he did fuck Mariah, 90% of the time he is nor even into women and most likely he had sex with Luis Miguel when he claims that they gang banged Mariah. And here is “Doe Re Me”, the song on Já Rule that essentially destroyed Já Rule’s career. He withdrew from the public eyes and became suicidal. The the best was probably his diss track on Everlast. He uses the same flow of blues to mock and embarrass Everlast and humiliate Everlast. Eminem is a lyrical genius with the shapest tongue in the netire musical industry.

    Despite declining sales and popularity, he always remained the #1 Hip Hop artist above even Kanye West and Jay Z throughout the 2000’s and 2010+. Recently, his career has been rejuvenated even more because of something that happened. Rappers are terrified of “dissing” Eminem because of the sheer savagery of the response that will follow. Eminem’s lyrical ability and wit are lgendady, as well as his insatiable lust for revenge. The bitch is ferocious! Well, anyway, this new rapper called Machine Gun Kelly back in 2012 made a comment about a pictute of Haillie Mathers on twitter that she was “fucking hot”. Well, mommy Em didn’t like one bit, and warned him. MGK, not knowing Eminem’s queen-bitch reputation,MGK made some derogatory comments about he he used to be the World’s biggest Stan, and that Em was his hero growing up, but that now he is washed up and had said all he had to say. Well, Eminem came back with an album Kamikaze. Kamikaze is basically Eminem attacking the netire musical industry, calling everyone that has come up since 2010 as garbage(he has a point here), and that he doesen’t give a fuck no more and will call out everyone that he doesen’t like by name and dare them to respond them. Not one of the 50+ poeple he calls out in Kamikaze dared to say a word. Except for MGK. He came out with a whole rap vídeo called “Rap Devil”, moking Eminem’t famous “Red God” song. Basically, he says that Eminem is old, rehashing old ideas, and that he(MGK) is a younger and better-looking version of Eminem. Big mistake! Eminem cale out with his own track in response, “!Killshot”, which truly was a killshot. As expected, he completely eviscerated MGK. Poor MGK is talented, but he is nowhere close to being another Eminem. Younger(and taller), sure. But he is not worthy of cleaning Eminem’s boots as an artist and lyricist. But then, no one is Eminem: as much as I dislike him, he is the most talented musical artist of the past 40 years since John Lennon was gunned down, and it isn’t even a competition. Even when he decides to sing, which is not even his thing as a rapper, he does it better than 99% of actual vocal singers, as can be seen in the Everlast diss. Here is MGK’s “Rap Devil”: And here is Eminem’s response in “Killshot”: As you can see, poor MGK got bitch-slapped into oblivion.

    Anyway, all this has revitalized Em’s career. Saying that it has been revitalkized is a little of a misnomer, because he never stopped being the #1 in sales even above Kanye West and Drake. But there is no questiion that over the past 10 years he wasn’t what he used to be. His album Kamikaze went Platinum in less than 2 weeks and was #1 in 70 countries for months in a row in 2018. He was the only solo artist in any musical style to approach 1 million album sales last year. This is Eminem’s when he is at his most popular: when he is being a cunt and cat fighting people. People just aren’t very interested in him singing about how much he loves to babysit Haillie, or how he loves methadone. But Eminem is sitll godly talented, and is genius can be seen in songs where he is more soulful. “Whjen I Am Gone”, where he raps about how much he loves Haillie and his struggles to give her a better life: For all his many flaws, this is perhaps the noblest apsect of his persona: the struggle of a father to give his kids a better life. Then, there is “Beautiful!, asrguably his most inspiring song ever, when he talks about his struggles with drug addiction, especially methadone, the true love of his life besides Haillie(“I would marry methadone if I could.”)

    Anyway, the most striking characteristic of Eminem’s career is that gay sex permetaes all his lyrics(except songs about Haillie and methadone,the only two things he seems to love more than gay acts). He goes on an on about how he watts to forc emen to suck his dick, that he wants to eat their asses, that he wants to make “make faggots screem with pain by fucking them with no lube, and how much he likes to get fisted ih the assby protologists. Then he goes on about what a straight men he is that he is a super straight man, and that he has sex with men to prove how striaght he is since he can have sex with men to prove that he doesen’t enjoy it(????!!!) He even stated that him and D12 would have a gang-bang and how much he loves colored penis. LMFAO!! In the part in “Fake” where he makes those bizare noises as the girble bites his asshole I literally burst out laughing. Who is buying his straight act in 2019? It is ridiculous!

    But seriously, sorry for the long diatribe, but that guy is truly a special character. Anyway, I think you should write something abou he obvious homoeroic rivalry between Fanile LaRusso and Johnny Lawrence in “Kobra Kai”. Lawrence is hilarious becaue he is like a caveman that doesen’t even know what the internet is.

  2. I didn’t know about Eminem’s ‘Fack’ song. How perfect that Em’s barely repressed homosexuality should have ended up gerbilised by that hoary old 1990s straight boy gay fantasy/urban mythology.

  3. Yeah, 60 is not really that old. People nowadays are living much, much longer and ageing slower(centenarians are the fastest growing demographic). I know a Vietnam Vet who celebrated his 70th birthday by running a Marathon, and he did it in 2 hours 45 minutes which is RIDICULOUS for a man his age. But the thing is, he doesen’t try to hide his wrinkles – nor does he care that he has wrinkles. This man actually retired from the Army at 57,. the same age Cruise has now, with the rank of lieutenant-colonel. Now, I know that the Navy is different, but it is absurd that a man in his late fifties would still be in actkive combat as a pilot. How the military Works in the whole World is that old(er) men give the orders and younger men do the fighting. Making the planning and giving the orders goes to old(er) men for the two reasons that physical agility declines with age while wisdom and experience increases, so old(er) men are naturals for leaderships positions that don’t envolve them actually getting their hands bloodied.

    In the hierarchy of the military, fighting men are between ages 18 and 35. A 40 year-old would be a captain, a guy that still gets his hands bloodeied but only sparingly. A 50 year-old would be a colonel or a high-raking major who doesen’t see actual combat anymore except in exceptional cases. Age 60 would be a low-ranking general that doesen’t angage in combat anynore under any circumstance. A high-raking general(4 stars) would be in his mid to late sixties, and a very senior general who is above all others, say, a 5 star general or marshall, would be 75-80 and even though he has real power his status is mostly symbolic as a symbol of the military itself(say, the granddady of the entire military).A 57 year-old man like Cruise would be a very high-ranking colonel on the verge of generalship. He would never get inside a tank(or airplane in the case of Air Force or Navy) or fire a single shot. His entire day would consist of him walking around barking orders to younger men and have them saluting him with the military salute evry time he gave an order. A 57 year-old man can be the father of military cadets and privates

    But you are right that many men cannot let go their adolescence and Young twenties. It’s pathetic. Another good example of this is the now famous Youtube series “Kobra Kai”, based on the original Karate Kid films. Daniel LaRusso and Johnnie Lawrence, now in thier fifties cannot get over their teenage rivalry/romantic rivalry and go at it like they are 16 again. The most hilarious part of the show is Lawrence’s political uncorrectnes. He calls fat girls, fat and tells them to put the milk shakes down, tells teenage boys that are bullied that they are “pathetic nerds and losers”, and insults everyone from women to gays to Latino immigrants to blacks, etc. He is a man stuck in 1984 to the point where he doesen’t even know how to use a computer. He is also sooooooooo straight. I mean, Lawrence is like a caricature of a straight men: drunk on beer all the time, vulgar, brutish in his mannerisms and body language, obsesses with fighting, war and guns, eats foods with his bare hands, doesen’t bathe, clogs the bathroom of other people’s houses with his stinky dumps, etc. William Zabka, the (amazing)actor that plays Lawrence, said that Johnny is “camp” in his straightness,.(I think you should write an article on this show with your famous wit and insight, as this show sumarizes beautifully the mid-lie crisis and eternal adolescence of modern men, as well as “toxic masculinity” at it’s worst(best) in the form of Johnny Lawrence). They should give Zabka an Emmy for his performance.

    And you are right that it is very strange the homoerotic obsession of many supposedly straight men with Cruise as Maverick. I actually know a (supposedly) straight man that jacks off watching Tom do his thing in “Top Gun”. I told him that is pretty gay, and he replied to me that he doesen’t fetishize Cruise, but that he gets aroused by the thought of how cool it would be to be Tom and do all those things. He said it’s like:”Oooooh, Tom….you are so cool…I am gona cum.” Very strange. So I jockingly asked him if he would suck Maverick’s dick, and he said: Maybe. But only if he asked. I wouldn’t offer it, ’cause I’m not gay!!” Ooooooookay. Straight men are weird. I am reminded of that Eminem song, “Fack”, where a (supposedly) straight man is only able to achieve his most intense orgasm when a woman shoves a girble up his ass and the little bugger bites his asshole. And speaking of Eminem, that is one weird, weird individual.

  4. Yes, it’s totally absurd to imagine Maverick is still some kind of seat-of-the-pants fighter jock three and half decades later. But all those TG fans also pushing 60 need their flyboy fantasies.

  5. Brazoncius Roxfort.

    Tom Cruise is way too old to play a fly boy. Like the guy says in the trailer, someone pushing 60 should be at least a 2 star admiral by that age. Now granted, 60 is not really THAT old nowadyas, considering that we now live now, on average, almost 23 years more than we did at the beggining of the 20th century due to the enormous advacements in medical technology(and because people are smoking less). But still, a guy in his late fifties is a little bit too long on the tooth to be playing a pretty boy fighter pilot who realistically should be between his mid twenties to early thirties.

Comments are closed.