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Celebrity Big Brother UK Drags It Up For The Final Season

C4 have been running this rather clever new cross-dressing Renault Twingo Sport ad heavily during Celebrity Big Brother ad breaks.

Could this have anything to do with the fact that Alex Reid, Jordan’s transexy cage-fighting beefy boyfriend, is one of the house-mates this year? And rapidly stealing the show, despite being the tabloids’ whipping boy and the way he was loudly booed when he entered the House.

The Twingo ad is quite a departure for a car commercial, especially one for a sporty hot hatch aimed at young men.  Jeremy Clarkson must be pulling what’s left of his 1970s dad hair out.

Instead of displaying shame, shock, anger or embarrassment at being humiliated in front of his mates the hot-hatch metrosexual son sees his father’s cross dressing as an opportunity to be socially exploited: ‘Dad?  Can you get us in?’.  We live in modern times indeed.

So it’s been entertaining to watch dinosaurs in the Big Brother House like Vinnie Jones give Alex pseudo fatherly ‘advice’ — which boils down to: ‘Don’t ‘ave anyfin’ to do wiv any of that fackin’ queer stuff, my son.’  If you want to be a washed-up bit part actor-thug with sphincter cramp, that is.

I literally spilt my tea last week when Vinnie announced, after getting up sharpish and moving, backs-against-the-wall-stylee, right to the other side of the room when Alex volunteered he was ‘try-sexual’: ‘I wouldn’t be in a movie wiv you if they paid me five million quid!’

Well Vinnie sweetie, you are in a movie with Alex already — it’s called CBB and you did it, according to reports, for just £350,000.

Alex, bless him, looked crestfallen, but then almost all of them, including former Madam Heidi Fleiss, the one with prolapsed lips, were lining up to have a go at him for being ‘confused’. Translation: interesting.  Let’s hope they don’t succeed in straightening him out.

House rule-book memorising Vinnie is playing CBB dad, but a very bad one — with badly dyed hair.  He’s so jealous of Alex you can taste it.  He’s jealous of his youth, his hair, his looks, his tits, and jealous of his cross-dressing, or at least his lack of hang-ups about it. He’s also threatened by Alex’s real as opposed to ‘Guy Ritchie’ fighting ability.

Most entertainingly of all ‘Hard Man’ Vin is shaping up to be a major gossiping bitch — crossdressing Alex by contrast mostly keeps his tongue in his head and hangs onto his sense of fun.  Vinnie knows Alex is his main threat, in every sense: that’s why he keeps needling him and nominating him. He’d make a great Blakey in any remake of On The Buses.

But the bad CBB dads don’t end there.  Mega-swish Stephen Baldwin, who puts me in mind of the crazy camp ‘Begone foul demons!!’ preacher on the make in There Will Be Blood, is completely obsessed with Alex, spending scads of time and energy trying to seduce him — into the ways of Je-sus!– with flattery, love-bombing, back massages, mentalist preaching, and lots and lots of inappropriate eye-contact during endless shaggy dog sermons.  Stephen, who clearly doesn’t know his parable from his allegory, thinks he’s ‘helping’ Alex and showing him and us the viewers at home the revealed truth of the Holy Book he likes to thump so much and his own superior, saved status, but is in fact just making a very convincing case for American evangelism being sublimated – or rather, congealed – homoerotics.

Alex is too nice a bloke to tell him to piss off.  Besides, he likes attention — and I suspect he knows that The Conversion of Alex just gets him more camera time.

I haven’t really watched CBB, or BB, since Pete Burns’ legendary appearance on it a few years back as a mischievous, sometimes downright malevolent, Eastern pagan goddess with a scouse accent.  Nor have many other people, which is why C4 isn’t renewing the franchise with Endemol.  But this final CBB is shaping up to be almost as good.

And I haven’t even mentioned Stephanie Beacham and Ivana Trump….

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7 thoughts on “Celebrity Big Brother UK Drags It Up For The Final Season”

  1. It appears to be a sort of seductive trick, so to speak. With no action in the eyes or brain attention seeks somewhere else to focus. You can’t be blamed exactly: Steven may have thought that “The Good Book” would fill the absence in his cerebrum–like embalming– about the right size literally; that his eyes would twinkle so that people would stop looking at his ass when addressing him.

    People go to the most bizarre extremes to be taken seriously. Possibly Alex should just turn him over, trousers down and paddle his behind, while a host of drag queens , in choir gowns sing “Jesus loves me, this I know.”

  2. Mark W: ‘a dead carp’ – you’re so on the money about those watery, lifeless eyes. You’re also right that I somehow managed to miss them before, my attention being distracted elsewhere.

    But this carp has banged his own head against a stone – called ‘The Good Book’.

  3. I’d jump right into his chasis as well!

    You fellows in the U.K . need to count your blessings for relatively awesome freedom of press. Actually giving drag queens and trysexuals some space. Anyone showing up here in the innocent drag anymore gets run in for a sex change, like it or not , for the sake of at least posessing some facsimille of normality.

  4. Steven Baldwin has always looked, in the eyes, like a dead carp; that ,with his ultra-dim grin might have missed inspection if you were just looking at his ass. America does represent itself honestly to the world with Baldwin.. Just wait till Sarah Palin knows her geography enough to get out. of American boundries world.

    I suppose Alex’s odd tolerance is a function of naiveity more than it is of shere cowardice. Most people, at least I, would certtanly tell him to cut his rant the minute he started reeking religious tripe, smake him upside the head and make him turn some tricks in drag to earn his keep. How aweful and untoward to just show up in a civilized part of the world. with nothing to offer but. deranged religious corruption for drag queens, it that.
    At least he’s just a laugh there.

    I thought the commercoial was fun. There are some fasinating uncoscious undertones to the Twingo ad: some sort of obverse Oedipal
    scenario.,it seems. At least i’d get done up in drag to jump in the car with that cute twink..

  5. well, I haven’t watched any of it so far but now I just might. poor Alex, he doesn’t need any advice from a thug like Vinnie Jones.

  6. Excellent post – Vinnie Jones’s conviction that Reid’s ruining his career by talking about cross-dressing is hilarious. Does the man not know that being a little tarty and flexible is essential nowadays for any budding male starlet? And with Sisqo’s comments the other day, it seems even the housemates have picked up on Baldwins great dribbling mancrush on Reid.

  7. I haven’t really ever watched any of them, just stop by while changing channnels now and then.
    I lingered because I picked up on the talk of Alex Reid and think he is a cutie.
    Stephen Baldwin gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies. That weird stare of his is enough to have me scrambling for the remote.

    You are right about Jones. He strikes me as just that type who is down on women for being bitchy and gossiping, all the while displaying the same tendencies. His comment about not acting with Reid is so precious.

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