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Attack of the TwinkyClones


Life after fantasy blockbusters and magically permanent adolescence can get a little hairy. One of these actors used to be an apprentice Wizard, and is this month’s cover star of US metromag Details. One used to be a Hobbit. One used to be a nerdy Spidey.

Though can you tell which is which, dear reader?

It’s a little difficult as, like Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon, an earlier generation of TwinkyClones, they all seem to be involved in some kind of Facial Timeshare arrangement.

They also appear to be sharing the same dodgy hairdresser, the same brand of theatrical fake fuzz – and the same Hungry Sub-BoiTM blue-tinted contact lenses.

Clue: Radcliffe is the one wearing the waistcoat that matches the contact lenses.

Speaking of bad hobbits, entirely by chance, the disturbing Hairy Potter pic above appears in Details immediately above a feature on how mainstream anal sex is nowadays, advertised with this ‘steamy’ and slightly disturbing childhood-gone-to-plastic-sleaze image.

All aboard the Analwarts Express!

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13 thoughts on “Attack of the TwinkyClones”

  1. Pretty boys make my heart sing but rough tough men are the real thing. Mr. Walburg has come a long way. Looking forward to seeing him in the aptly named “The Shooter”.

  2. Mark
    interesting contribution on Channel4 tonight (Wed)… was your appearance on activeduty you are one hell of a liberated guy

  3. Yes, Elise, child-boy-girl men is an apt description. The beards, like many of the fashion beards around these days, look slightly drag king, but not so convincing.

  4. And two of the three have/are associated with huge slash fandoms. Harry Potter being the hugest slash fandom out there, the anal juxtaposition is rather appropriate. Personally I find it most disturbing that these child-boy-girl men are what women find sexually attractive nowadays.

  5. Having seen Daniel Radcliffe get his kit off in Equus recently, I think he’s making a good career move by growing face fuzz and divert the viewer’s gaze away from his wand.

  6. What a fucking disgrace. He’s obviously a total fucking loony tunes. All that money in the bank and yet still he feels compelled to wave his weilly aroudn the West End stage and dress up like a 70s throwback poofter. What a cunt.

  7. Harry Potter on the cover? God, Details has really jumped the shark. But I guess we knew that already.
    Anyhow, I’m just curious: Why the need to label all baby-faced B-listers as “twinks”? Is it because we associate pre-pubescent looks with ladylike effeminacy (i.e. gay)? And if so, then why WOULDN’T they opt for facial hair? Unless you’re so prototypically beautiful it kills, going butch is really the only way to hold onto a mainstream Hollywood career.
    Classic my-days-of-fame-are-numbered-and-I-know-it moment for these coverboys.

  8. Paul, thanks for your comment. I agree about MM’s admirably workmanlike performance in ‘The Departed’. His blue-collar background seems to serve him well in films that are such hard work.

    As for Elijah – I have no idea about his sexuality, but he has the best cocksucking eyes in the business.

  9. There’s this hysterical web page out there called ‘VVG’ or ‘Elijah Wood is very, very gay!’

    I’ve yet to warm up to Matt Damon. Marky Mark, on the other hand, has surprised us all by becoming — against any expectation — a fine actor. In particular, he shines in supporting roles, which may be the truest sign of talent. His performance was the only redeeming feature of the otherwise ponderous ‘The Departed’.

    ‘The Lays of Ancient Rome’: let us consider the sad fate of toe-headed McCauley Culkin. The instant recognition from those dreadful ‘Home Alones’, the nasty, Jackson-like family squabble over the millions. Recently he was seen on the small screen prancing around in a lavender wig and red sequence lederhosen as 90s New York Klub Kid enfant terrible Michael Alig. Methinks those childhood vistis to Neverland Ranch made a deep impression indeed! His performance was completely outclassed by the real talents of Seth Green (‘Scott Evil’) and Chloe Sevigny (‘Big Love’s deliciously conniving sister-wife ‘Nikki’).

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