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I Heart Metrosexuals

Forbes magazine has discovered make-up for men. Sales of items like concealer and skin tinter for men have increased in the US by a forehead-wrinkling 42% since 2001.

It even seems possible that not all of those sales were to Forbes Lister (No.94) Donald Trump.

This latest example of the continued mainstreaming of metrosexuality is perhaps less down to vanity than mere survival. In a cut-throat world in which men as well as women are increasingly judged professionally and personally on their appearance and attractiveness it would give women an unfair advantage if they were the only ones able to leave their faces on their pillow in the morning.

Speaking of cut-throats, who can doubt that Pirates of the Caribbean, due for its third and final cruise around the multiplex next month, is anything more than a highly lucrative vessel for Johnny Depp’s eyeliner and shaped eyebrows?

Last year’s first sequel was one of the biggest grossing movies ever. Nobody noticed that there was no one at the helm of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and that the script, the plot, the direction were more shambolic than the Swiss Navy. Why? Because all anyone had gone to see was Depp’s adorable drunken-quizzical foppish expression. Finding himself inside a giant runaway hamster wheel or hog-tied and slung beneath a pole about to be roasted and eaten by salivating cannibals was a very literal representation of Depp’s relationship to this voraciously successful sea-monster of a blockbuster franchise.

Meanwhile over this side of the Briney, David James, one of the original Liverpool FC Spice Boys and an early David Beckham whose photogenic features, fashion-modelling tendencies and attention-seeking hairdos were eclipsed by David Beckham 2.0 (the one married to Posh), wonders in the Observer why there aren’t any out gay footballers.

Well, David, I don’t know, but maybe it’s because they know they just can’t compete with the gayness of the straight ones.

To be fair, David is more than just a handsome, well-moisturised face and athletic, talented, tarty body. He’s also a nice, very smart chap with some progressive and heart-warming attitudes. He even donated his fee for the article to the gay equality organisation Stonewall.

I think he deserves a free one of these.

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