In honour of this week’s launch of the new Bond movie ‘Casino Royale’, starring Daniel Craig as the new, pumped, shaved, very tight-shirted blond Bond – he may be a secret agent but Craig’s pecs have very publicly outed his metrosexuality – here’s a breakdown of the different Bonds according to their gayness, Bondness, and shagability.
SEAN CONNERY – 1962-1967; 1971
Author Ian Fleming thought the Scottish actor ‘an overgrown stuntman’ but was later won over by the burly, latent-metro Bond. Who can blame him?
Gayness: 009 (bodybuilder, fake tan, lipstick, wigs)
Shagability: 009 (but you might get a slap)
GEORGE LAZENBY (1969)
The craggy Aussie former unarmed combat instructor played bond for only one film: OHMSS. Not perhaps the greatest actor, but who cares in that kilt? He pre-empts Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct by decades – and completely outclasses her.
Gayness: 008 (that kilt again – plus he pretends to be gay)
Shagability: 009 (that kilt!)
ROGER MOORE (1973-1985)
The longest serving Bond, Moore played 007 for effete laughs. Probably because he knew he couldn’t compare to what had swung before him. Maybe that’s why he didn’t wear a kilt.
Gayness: 005 (only for the catty quips and arched eyebrows)
Shagability: 004 (can you find his arse in those high-waisted flares?)
TIMOTHY DALTON (1987-1989)
The Royal Shakespeare Company Bond. Jean-Luc Picard plus hair. Why?
Gayness: 001 (only because he’s RSC)
Shaggability: 001 (a mercy fuck)
PIERCE BROSNAN (1995-2002)
Bond finally runs out of spunk. Proficient but sexless Irish actor, politically updated by feminism -– but not aesthetically. By ‘Die Another Day’ he resembled an Eighties knitwear catalogue model trapped in a Noughties computer game.
Shaggability: 000 (no, no seven!)
DANIEL CRAIG (2006-)
Bond finally comes out of the metro-closet, baby! First working class Bond since Connery and also the first since the Sixties to possess a body. And, boy, does he like to show it off! Bond is at last the sex-object he clearly craved to be thirty years ago. Bond, in other words, finally becomes his own Bond Girl.
Shagability: 008 (nice tits shame about the face)
Bondness: To be determined….