Iron rules for Simmo’s Swoletopia
Anyone who has used a public gym regularly has daydreamed about being in charge of one. At least for an hour. Not so much paying the bills and checking the toilets, as laying down the law.
A strongman, a shredded Caesar, running the muscle factory the way you think it should be run. As your own personal hench Republic. After all those years of learning – and suffering – from other people’s mistakes, you will be the philosopher king of the barbells.
And who wouldn’t want to stamp out all those bothersome things – and people – that niggle during your time in the province of pumpery? Spoiling what would have been, no doubt, a totally perfect workout otherwise.
Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
So, here’s my current list of fantasy gym rules for Simmo’s Swoletopia, divided into proscriptive DON’TS, and a longer list of prescriptive DOs. I’m sure it will prompt you to come up with your own.
Including banning me from ever running a gym. Or being a member of yours.
DON’TS
No phones
This will break the brains of everyone under 25, but working out is not sitting on the only shoulder press machine for 30 minutes watching Tik Toks.
No earphones
Earphones seem to be mostly a way of pretending not to hear me when I ask, “Got many sets left, mate?”
And besides, it’s my gym so of course you’re going to listen to my 80s mixtape.
No bags
Not sure why some people can’t lift weights without tripping everyone else up, or needing to be surrounded by their crap and clutter. But they can do that at home.
No couples or groups
See above.
No super setting
If you want to hog three pieces of equipment while looking like a complete twat, get your own gym.
No hairdryers
A major, noisy scourge of locker rooms, hairdryers use lots of my electricity. And as you may have noticed, I have no need of them.
Worse, people use them instead of a towel. Standing there for ages, blowing their singed pubes, and sack ‘n’ crack aroma around.
(OK, I’ve done it myself – but since it’s my gym, I’ll have my own private stash of fluffy, clean, pre-warmed towels.)
DOS
Spotting & working in
During Covid many gyms banned these traditional gym protocols. While I’m sure this highly scientific intervention saved thousands of lives, post-Covid, spotting and working in never really recovered. To restore the gym ecology, in my domain everyone is required to spot and be spotted. And work in.
Particularly if they’re hot.
Grunting loudly
Frowned upon in most gyms, I go by the motivational maxim: The more grunting, the more pumping.
Which will appear over the entrance, in flashing pink neon.
Topless workouts
They do it on YouTube and Insta, so why not in my gym? It’s so inspiring, bro!
(Free wet wipes provided.)
Putting weights back PROPERLY
Not just slinging them on the nearest available hook, mixing different weights up and making a mockery of my helpfully placed, clearly labelled, passive-aggressive stickers. Offenders will be lashed to the pull-up bars and flogged with resistance bands.
To make things easier and tidier, I won’t buy any 2.5KG plates, as these are just annoying, and seem to breed. They also appear to be favoured by the people who don’t put weights back properly.
Mirrors
Every wall in the weights room, and the ceiling (and, if someone has invented reflective rubber, the floor), shall be mirrored. It helps you get your form right – and, more importantly, is the best way to perve discreetly.
As a bonus, this also allows me to get rid of the mirrors in the changing room – which are a fire hazard, what with all those gaggles of young lads doing group pose downs in their pants in front of them.
Padlocks on lockers
These shall be compulsory. Not because my gym has a crime problem, but because guessing which lockers aren’t being used is incredibly fucking tedious. Offenders’ kit will be burned in the sustainable sauna stove.
Gang showers
The most efficient use of limited space, easier to maintain – and the only way to get properly, manfully clean after a hard, topless workout.
Sauna etiquette
The only thing anyone should take into the sauna is a towel. To sit on. After the gang showers, no one has any secrets. Or shame.
Shaving
Most gyms discourage this, but I shall make it mandatory. Razors, foam, and Veet provided free of charge.
Bants
Enjoying banter is a cast iron requirement in Simmo’s Swoletopia. By which of course I mean laughing uproariously at mine.