Give your pants (and your ego) a little boost with this D.I.Y. crotch bulge. pic.twitter.com/OjuLzdaMvS
— Spooper Deluxe ? (@superdeluxe) December 29, 2017
Shame the beard isn’t as convincing as the stuffed crotch.
C4 recently aired a series about pro spornos – called ‘Six Pack Superstars‘. It follows young men and women ‘influencers’ and wannabes in the fitness business preparing for their competitions. Like Bromans it’s mostly about the male spornos – they are after all the ones with the spectacular bodies.
Though there is an undisputed female star of the show – Audrey Kaipio, ‘the UK’s number one posing coach’ (from Canada), a woman who seems to play something of a dominatrix role while teaching bodybuilders and muscle models how to pose, flex and sashay, sorry, swagger – “Yeah, I got those danglin’ balls!”.
It seems entirely apt that the masquerade of masculinity on the UK sporno stage is emanating from between the legs of a very bossy Canadian lady. Spornosexuality is rather ‘sub’.
Perhaps the most famous male sporno profiled in the show is Tom Coleman, a 30-year-old former roofer from Essex turned WBFF champion, muscle model, and ‘inspirational’ YouTube star who has 1.3M followers. Can’t think why.
During a photo shoot Tom of Essex takes a break to rub lube all over his eye-popping chest. He complains in a moment of perhaps dehydrated neediness to the physique photographer Giles Crofta (can I have his job, please?) that he’s “really flat at the moment”.
“You’re shredded!” exclaims Giles reassuringly, his eyes doing their best to give Tom a hand rubbing the lube in. “Seriously, I think you’re the best! You know you are!”
Here are the cadets of Ulyanovsk flight school, Russian Federation, relaxing in their dorm. With a special guest appearance by a banana.
This charming video upset conservatives, including the head of the college, but prompted a host of similar videos by Russian students in response to talk of disciplining some of the participants – and the intervention of the Governor of the Ulyanovsk region to prevent expulsions.
The Russian lads were performing a homo-age to this highly ‘satisfying’ British Army classic some years ago. Which is itself a ‘gender flip’ homo-age to the famously ‘objectifying’ Benassi ‘Satisfaction’ video, in which these fighting men eagerly take on the role of saucy bimbos. (My money is on it all being the idea of the squaddie who opens the video mopping in a thong – and sporting the best buttocks in the barracks):
The Russian lads seem to have upped the gay-ante however with the addition of a banana and bondage gear.
Though my personal favourite of the genre (a rich one on YouTube: you could – and I have – spend hours browsing it) is probably this one by Royal Marines, originally performed to the strains of ‘Call On Me’ but apparently the owners of the rights to the song objected, the Philistines.
Note how meticulously researched and choreographed the gay porn poses are at the ‘climax’.
And here’s me explaining what it all means (don’t worry, there are more videos):
Check out those guns, those abs, those pecs, and those… lips.
And also the use of the word ‘beautiful’ – instead of ‘ripped’ or ‘shredded’ or ‘awesome’.
Cristiano Ronaldo is definitely no longer the only spornosexual in the football village.
Aleksander Melgalvis Andreassean, 28, ‘shredded’ defender for Norwegian soccer team Lillestrom, seems to be after the Portuguese striker’s exhibitionist crown.
Earlier this week he achieved global fame by giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘football strip’ when he got starkers onstage, treating his teammates and fans to an impromptu – yet impressively professional – Magic Mike style sexytime dance. Using the silver Norwegian FA Cup as a somewhat uncomfortable flesh-lite for his ‘climax’.
As you can see, they seemed to love it.
Note how before ‘owning’ the trophy, AndreASSean repeatedly offers the (mostly male?) audience his naked, smooth, well-rounded, trophy-winning butt – apparently riding their roaring approval. Male versatility and an eagerness to please is the hallmark of spornosexuality.
Not everyone however was appreciative of his generosity.
“Winning the cup is a big thing and obviously it should be celebrated, but it is very possible to do so in a manner that shows the cup a bit more respect” said Norwegian FA communications director Yngve Haavik.
By which I suppose he meant that Melgalvis should have bought the trophy dinner before-hand and texted it the next day.
Niceties aside, I find it difficult to disagree with the approving verdict of Melgalvis’ buddies:
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